Mother’s Day, inevitably, evokes such strong emotion for so many.

For those who have the privilege of being a mom, Mother’s Day is remembering all the years before of handcrafted cards (from dad) with baby’s fingerprints, pancakes in bed, and later, handwritten “thank yous” from the growing kiddos.  There is nothing quite like Mother’s Day when you are a mom.

But then there are many who struggle through this day.  Wishing and hoping that they too could stand up at church and be applauded…but silently they suffer.  Infertility, miscarriages, and stillbirths are much more than clinical diagnoses.  They are painful reminders, for many, of what has been stripped away or what God has yet to bless you with.  For those who suffer privately today, I want to simply acknowledge that I care deeply for you and with you.  My eyes fill with tears for your deep loss and longing.

This year my Mother’s Day has such a mix of emotions.  I am overjoyed to be Stafford’s mom and I am so grateful that God has blessed us with this little guy, he is a gift and I thank God every night as I pray over him that He has granted Stafford life and that I am apart of that story.

There is another child a world away with a mom who my heart just breaks for today.  I woke up thinking of her this morning and I can’t get her image out of my mind.  Only the Lord knows the timing of when she will conceive, whether or not she already has a little one that will become ours as well, and the day that she will make the decision to give them life, the second time.  I know that in Ethiopia holidays like Mother’s Day are not celebrated.  When you are just trying to survive, holidays mean very little.  In a small way, it’s comforting to me that maybe my child(s) birth mother will not have to go through the agony of remembering her baby(s) every single year on this date; a public reminder of her loss.  But I know that, even with no holiday, there will likely not be a day that goes by that she does not remember them.  While we will celebrate God’s gift in bringing our family together, another will mourn the tearing apart of the same.

Even in the beauty of this day God brings to mind again that this process we are going through has brokenness written all over it.  We are about to walk through a tangible and painful reminder of the Fall, lived out in full form through our family.  Adoption is beautiful and ugly at the exact same time.  This side of heaven, our family will experience joy and fulfillment from this tragedy but for that dear mother…I can only pray that she will see the blessing in her incredibly selfless act and know Jesus so that He can eventually wipe those tears away.

I pray I get to speak to you face-to-face someday and tell you passionately how much I love you.  That I am so thankful you chose for your baby(s) to be given life.  And that I hurt with you over the decision you had to make, the pain you endured as you handed your baby over.  It was not God’s plan and He will redeem it.  Thank you for your faithfulness.  We promise to give them the best life we can here.  But, much more, we promise to share about the One who took away death completely so that they will be given a chance at everlasting life.

May you know Him too.  I cannot imagine a heaven without tears if you are not there.

Romans 5:18-19, ”Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people.  For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.”

They came to our house this month (below is a picture of just a few of the many that showed up for the event, sorry to those who missed our picture).  We had lots of people just starting the process or thinking about adoption, some interested in adopting through the foster care system, one adopting domestically, and quite a few of us international adoption girls.  Stephanie (on the far right) is about 13 numbers ahead of us with All God’s Children…how cool is that!?  It’s like having an All God’s Children get-together in my home…only better because we also got to learn about the many intricacies of adopting from places OTHER than Ethiopia.

Thank you Summit for starting this ministry!  Men would SO not understand how valuable coffee and chocolate with a bunch of adoption and foster care mommies really is!  We are so grateful.

Baby girl, I can’t WAIT to show you off to these ladies.  There is no one (other than your grandparents) who will be more excited to see you than these girls!  And what a wonderful blessing that you will enter Summit Kids with so many other babies that have a story not all that unlike your own.

We saw lots of boys filing into Hannah’s Hope this month but not very many girls.  Praying for BIG things on this National Day of Prayer…that God would open up the floodgates and allow many orphaned girls (who we know are out there) to be paper-ready and connected with our Director Almaz at Hannah’s Hope.  I have been praying specifically that police men in the villages across Ethiopia would feel a push to take all of the steps that might be required to help make these babies paperwork-ready.  I know it goes against the laid-back culture of Africa but I also know God is able to instill drive into these men so that thousands of kids may have forever families.  I’d love for you to pray for this with me!

Okay, on to our numbers.  For April we are:

#73 Girl

#25 Siblings

We moved two spots for our little girl and finally got in line for siblings (no more half numbers!).  Right now, the agency is saying that we should expect a full 24 months waiting…making our referral a full year away (June 2013).  Wow, that feels like forever!  We are praying they are dead-wrong (:

Thank you all for your prayers and for caring enough to ask about where we’re at in our adoption!  While WE aren’t seeing much excitement these days, our dear friends, the McGees, have just officially been cleared by the Embassy in Ethiopia to bring their little man home.  We are SO excited for them and have loved living vicariously through them the past few months.  Here’s their blog for more info:  http://yestoadoption.blogspot.com/.  Love you guys!

“The Lord raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; He seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor.  For the foundations of the earth are the Lord’s; on them he has set the world.” 1 Samuel 2:8

This month has been full of lots of action on the adoption-front!  Just today we received word from one of our mom “spies” in Ethiopia, that there have been a bunch of little ones brought in to Hannah’s Hope this weekend.  Such fun!  We absolutely love seeing and hearing that more orphans are being connected to loving parents who will not leave or abandon them.  We can’t wait for you!  As our number decreases steadily, I have started to carry a little butterfly around in my stomach.  I realize that the day is getting much closer when we could get a phone call from Brandi with pictures of our little ones.

At the end of March, we are officially:

#25.5 for siblings (we were somehow missed in the count so we’ll get a round number next month)

#75 for a girl

That means there has been LOTS of movement!  It also means that there are only 24 FAMILIES in front of us!  Yikes!  It suddenly hit me this past weekend that I better get busy getting Stafford out of his crib and potty-trained.  These are the last two things I will want to be doing if we get a call for two babies.

We’re so excited….and a bit anxious.  But we know that God has already set aside the child or children He has for us, before He set the earth on it’s foundation.  So we’ll rest in that today.

Can’t wait to see your face(s)!

Here were just some (of the many) highlights from the weekend:

• Early Thursday morning–First time on the Amtrack train!  Took the train from Cary to Charlotte, where I waited at the station for my cousin Marlisa and her best friend Connie to pick me up on their way down from Winchester, VA.  I got to have a very interesting conversation with a man who had either had a stroke or was drunk…I wasn’t quite sure.  He now knows about Jesus either way, let’s hope he remembers it (-:
• Drove 3 more hours from Charlotte to northern Atlanta to Lake Lanier
• Thursday evening–went out to dinner with the other C4C staff that were there early
• Friday morning–SLEPT IN!!!  What a treat!  Then we grabbed Cracker Barrel for breakfast and worked out.  It was a dream morning.
• Friday afternoon–Went to see “October Baby” in the theatre, it was a great start to our adoption weekend.
• Friday evening–Enjoyed the “African American Hair” breakout session, the leader was hilarious!  I learned quite a few good tips about how to “moisturize” properly.  Oh, how this white girl is in for a rude awakening.  Help Aunt Sherri!
• Met our All God’s Children crew, we really do have the most amazing women at our agency.  We’re SO glad we chose them!  Below is a pic of the whole crew, minus a few who got missed (sorry Larisa and Erica).

• Saturday was full of breakout sessions on HIV and AIDS in the adoption world, Attachment disorders, and some amazing key note speakers on how to overcome some of the rough past our little one(s) will come home with.  I thought my head would explode with information!  It was awesome!
• That evening we got on our pjs and grabbed popcorn to watch a great film called, “Moving On”.  In light of all the Kony 2012 controversy, this is a must-see, especially for anyone who loves Africa as much as we do.  You can watch the movie online at:  http://vimeo.com/38449079

• Sunday we worshiped together and heard a fabulous talk from a mom of 7 kids, most of whom were adopted from Eastern Europe.  Awesome!
• Left around 11:00 and arrived back at the bus stop around 3:00 after quite a few stops.
• Rode the bus back to Cary with a girl named Maria who I got to talk to about what Jesus has done in my life.  What an amazing ending to a great weekend!  Stafford and Andrew were waiting at the station with big smiles…it was priceless.

In such a new way God has opened my eyes to new things about adoption, given me a heart for new areas, and challenged areas of my life I need to work on before bringing this baby (or babies) home.  We are so excited for what’s in store and thrilled to have a community of people around us who walk through this with us.  Love you AGCI mamas!

The AGCI crew

Katie and I–apparently this was taken at night, I have no makeup on anymore (:

Roomie shot–me, Connie, and Marlisa

But since everything in the adoption world takes four times as long as people tell you….we won’t keep you waiting on the info we DO have.

February 2012:

Hey…at least we moved!  Other families are still getting their referrals about 19 months after turning in their dossier so IF that trend continues, we’re looking at a fun New Years present.  But by now we have figured out not to circle any dates on the calendar (:  This is SO not like having a biological baby!

We’re hoping next months number will be even better, there were a whole slew of girls that came in to Hannah’s Hope at the start of the month (yes I have spies in Ethiopia because we adoptive moms are crazy like that!).

Thanks for those of you that texted and called asking us to post.  We have the best family and friends!

Oh goodness, where to begin.

Andrew and I started praying very purposefully over the adoption recently, trying to determine if God would ask us to reconsider our parameters in light of some of the changes in Ethiopia. Not unlike every other couple going through an international adoption, we (ok, I) have been at an all-time low about all of the slow-downs (hence my really depressing posts lately).

This past week we have definitely felt excited again about adoption and our part in it.

Tuesday of last week as I was driving I was praying, for what felt like the thousandth time, for real direction and clarity over what all these crazy slow-downs meant for our family. I took each “parameter”, as our agency calls them, and began praying specifically over it.

Gender. God if you desire, give us a peace or change-of-heart about asking specifically for a girl.

Special Needs. Our friend Chris wrote a phenomenal post on this (read it here) and it challenged me again to open our heart to this parameter. Lord, is this your desire for our family?

HIV. Should we change this to be open to a little one who is HIV positive? We are willing, just give us wisdom.

As I concluded my prayer, I remember throwing in last-minute, “Oh yeah, and if you would desire us to get be open to more than one child, show us that too God.” The second the words came out of my mouth I knew this was it. We were supposed to be open to siblings.

Here’s the background on this subject specifically. When we originally prayed over each of these things starting in January of 2011, Andrew immediately felt like we should do a sibling group. After talking it over with our case manager, she concluded that it would be pretty pointless for us to include that parameter since, at the time, Stafford was only 12 months old and they require all kids to be 10 months younger than his age. At that time, wait times were predicted to be closer to 12-14 months. The likelihood that twins would come in who would match with us was so slim that she discouraged us from even trying.

Ironically, the long wait has now made it a possibility for us to entertain this idea once again! I will tell you that Andrew has not stopped talking about the idea of getting siblings since January of last year (-: When I called him to talk to him about what I had been feeling as I prayed he very bluntly replied, “yeah, I’ve been open to two from the very beginning.” As in…why has it taken you so long to figure this out? To be fair, it hadn’t occurred to either of us how the wait times might improve our chances of actually qualifying for two.

So…we now wait eagerly and excitedly. After talking with All God’s Children, we have decided to change our parameters to….drum roll please…..

One or two children 0-36 months old (with the oldest being 10 months younger than Stafford at referral) with at least one child being a girl.

Whew. That sounds like we’re high-maintanence doesn’t it? Hahahaha.

To say we’re excited would be an understatement! Now our agency will tell you that our chances of actually getting two kids within those parameters is still unlikely but, thankfully, we don’t trust chance or probability. We trust a God who will place us with the child or children He desires.

Only He knows if I can emotionally handle 3 kids 3 and under.
Only He knows if I can handle potential attachment disorders with 2 of our 3 kids.
Only He knows if I can stay indoors for 3 months with 3 kids, wearing one child on me constantly (more posts to come on all this craziness).

So we won’t ask for prayer that we get siblings. We’ll just ask that, if you think of us, you pray that He gives us a heart that matches His will.

Thanks for getting excited with us. We should have our official sibling wait list number by the end of the week. I can assure you you will not be disappointed! Stay tuned.

“To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it…For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.” Deut. 10:14-19

Over the last few months, it’s been hard to get excited about coming here. My perspective has changed from a mom communicating about life to her little girl, to that of a mom communicating about life to the general public. It’s sometimes too hard for me to make it personal to her.

We now know she isn’t born yet.
Nor is it likely she is even conceived.

Writing to a yet-to-be-created child in a distant land who will become ours, likely, at the end of 2013 or beginning of 2014 just seems….ridiculous, to be honest. And so our attention has shifted a bit. In part to guard our own hearts from the constant realization that she isn’t coming home anytime soon. But also in part because you all are a part of that story. You have supported and prayed for us, spent the time to genuinely ask us how we are doing, and graciously given so that we can realize this dream. There will be a time for addressing her but, for now, we will write to you. Thank you for walking beside us through this long journey.

We get our monthly number soon…and we are eager. Oh wouldn’t it be awesome to see a “7″!!!

However, in thinking much lately about refinement and the process of being chiseled down to be more like Christ, I have come to recognize that the first step is to be satisfied right where I am, in the season He has placed us. Contentment is challenging. It always begins in the head, with a conscious decision to choose joy no matter the circumstances. Not that I would rush through this process and beg God to just get us to the end but that I would look at my place, right where He has us, and see the good in it. And so while we grow excited to see our first number change, my hope is not hanging on that “7″.

“I have learned [Paul says he learned how, that means I can too] the secret of being content [satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted] in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

Praise God…only one 8!!!!

We’re #85!

Since my last post was heavy (and long) I will keep this short and optimistic. One of the huge blessings of this past month has been connecting with a group of families who are going through the process of adopting their babies through our agency. Each month we literally rejoice and live vicariously through referrals, court dates, and trips to Ethiopia.

This month, even though we have only moved 3 numbers, I personally know 3 families that got to receive referrals on their babies. It’s so much easier to go through the hard wait when you get to see those who have moved on. One family who just moved from our area (and who Andrew and I have been been praying for since their referral in December) just found out they will be on a plane in a month to meet their little boy. My stomach literally flips every time I think about Bekah getting to meet Israel for the first time.

This has been an incredible blessing to our challenging month.

So in honor of the sweet McGee family, I just have to include the link to the blogpost for the day they got to see their little boy’s face. It’s so cute and so exciting: Israel

It seems best to put my feelings to paper about this adoption journey using an analogy, and running a marathon is the thing we liken it to the most. We started out at a slow trot, excited to be starting and all-smiles. No one who’s trained for a marathon gets to the end of the first mile and is desperate for it to be over. Most marathoners know that it’s a long journey and they have prepared for it. We were too. Many of you came up to us and were discouraged by our initial number in June (115) but we were pumped. We knew it meant that we were in the race and we hadn’t expected anything faster…it’s 26 miles, after all!

By mile-marker 5 we were starting to get a bit more tired but in the far far distance we could see the half-way mark. It was a long way off but it was visible and getting there meant another small goal accomplished in our race.

And then, 7 miles in, January hit.

For the past few months many of you know that numbers for us (and for many of our dear friends adopting through Ethiopia) have slowed. But in January, for some reason, it hit me that this was more than a hiccup, more than something temporary that might pick up again to the speed we had grown accustomed to. As I sought out opinions from many of those that are further down the road, I realized that they were growing nervous too. So for quite a few weeks in January I have, to be honest, been a complete mess over it all.

Those that know me well know that my head works best with small, attainable goals. That’s why I like running. I don’t think about the whole hour of running. I think about where I want to get to first. When I accomplish it, I’m off to thinking about the next goal. We were excited about each small quarter mile.

But it now feels like, 7 miles in, just as I was reaching for the water glass, the sweet volunteer whispered, “Hey you’re doing great, only 43 miles more. You looked great on those first 7!” Huh? It doesn’t matter that we hadn’t signed up to run 50 miles and it doesn’t matter that we haven’t trained for the distance. We are on the path and that path just grew.

Our sweet case managers reassure us constantly that the timetables are often changing in the world of adoption. But based on what we’re hearing about slow-downs at the Embassy and based on real-time data from adoptive parents in front of us, we know it’s very unlikely. For someone like me who has struggled for a lifetime dealing with disappointment, this reality has been the hardest thing to deal with.

I had my hopes set on seeing her face in 2012. I desperately wanted to fill our tree with gifts that were personal, dresses that would fit her, and hair bows that would match the amount of hair she sported. My January has been full of trying desperately to put the dates that I had clung to into the hands of a God who cares deeply. My greatest disappointment? Knowing that she and Stafford will be further apart in age than we had hoped. But He knows that too. He made me and He knows how desperately I had wanted for my little ones to be stacked in age. With many tears, I’ve had to lay that down.

This month has grown me a lot. On one hand, I was given a mirror and forced to see things as they really are. That’s never an easy thing but, for me, I’d always prefer it to living in oblivion. And then, just as quickly as I saw the reality, I knew I had to give up on some things that I thought were for the best. Giving up on dreams has never been my strong suit. But I started thinking about what that phrase means. I knew that giving up my dreams meant handing them to a God who can do more [in my life] than I can imagine (Eph. 3:20) and who is working for my good at all times (Rom 8:28). He’s not out to get me and He’s not out to ruin plans. He knows her and He knows us and He wants all of it to be for our good. “Our good” may also mean being refined and sharpened like we never would have without this adoption.

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed,” (1Pet 1:6-7).

We desperately desire that our faith would not be found weak and complacent. Andrew and I don’t want to be good Christians that look like we do the right thing. We want to be radically obedient, sometimes doing things that go against-the-grain, and never using comfort as our measure of happiness. If this is really our heart, than this test is the measure of our genuineness.

- You say you want to be like Me…are you willing to wait until it hurts?
- If your dreams are shattered and your family looks completely different than you imagined…how much would you give up for Me to be praised?
- Do you believe I care and that I can change it all if I think it is for your good?

It isn’t rosy and there are days where the answer to all of the above is “no”.

And then I remember why I trust Him.

2000 years ago He proved Himself to me. His compassion and His power have never been more evident than in that fateful weekend.

Sweet girl, we can’t wait to see you. But we wait with contentment knowing that we will not welcome you in to our family until our God has chiseled us down, sharpening us so that we look more like Him.

So that on the day when you too face trials, we may look you in the eye and tell you with confidence…He is to be trusted.

“In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.” (Isaiah 25:9)